The past term or so has been filled with uncertainty about my plans for next year. Although I now, finally, know what I think I want to do and where I want to be, nothing is confirmed yet, and everything feels like it is largely out of my hands. This is not my favourite place to be. Some people like spontaneity and endless possibilities – I like order, control, and well-thought out plans, made ages in advance. Even writing this paragraph has made my palms sweaty and my breathing start to quicken. I hate uncertainty.
This year, I have struggled with anxiety, which has made my Internship year go a lot differently to how I imagined it at the start of the year. At times, it has felt like the anxiety has controlled aspects of my life. I have done a lot less than I thought I would, and spent a lot more time crying on people than anyone really wants to do.
And still, God has been good. I’ve been surrounded by the most supportive church family anyone could ever ask for, and encouraged by friends who pray for me when I cannot find the words. It is phenomenally difficult to feel God’s goodness when I am having a bad day, but I know his promises are true regardless of my emotions.
Paul Jones, who used to attend KCD, writes in his book Job’s Way Through Pain that while “pain alone is not transformative”, Job renews his vision of God through his experiences, not “because he overcomes or moves beyond his pain, but because he insists on conversing with God within that agonising context”. I am praying that this will be true for me too. Instead of trying to rush through the bad emotions, I want to work this out within my relationship with God, knowing that he can bring about some much-needed change in my life.
As much as I want to control things, Proverbs 16:9 reminds me that “in their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” I can do nothing without God. Amidst the change, the goodbyes, and the uncertainties, God remains unchanging, secure, and steady. I’m just going to have to keep reminding myself of this until it sticks.